Hå.

I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am seventeen and I am already exhausted.


The fact that one of these days your sitting in a dark corner and crying. For the million time. And this is why. It is called Seasonal Affection Disorder. Syptoms are:

• Low mood for most of the day, nearly every day. Things always seem 'black'.
• Loss of enjoyment and interest in life, even for activities that you normally enjoy.
• Abnormal sadness, often with weepiness.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or uselessness.
• Poor motivation. Even simple tasks seem difficult.
• Poor concentration. It may be difficult to read, work, etc.
• Sleeping problems.
  • Sometimes difficulty in getting off to sleep.
  • Sometimes waking early and unable to get back to sleep.
  • Sleeping too much sometimes occurs (particularly in SAD - see below).
• Lacking in energy, always tired.
• Difficulty with affection, including going off sex.
• Poor appetite and weight loss. Sometimes the reverse happens with increased eating and weight gain. (People with SAD often put on weight - see below.)
• Irritability, agitation, or restlessness.
• Symptoms often seem worse first thing each day.
• Physical symptoms such as headaches, palpitations, chest pains, and general aches and pains.
• Recurrent thoughts of death. This is not usually a fear of death, more a preoccupation with death and dying. Some people get suicidal ideas - "life's not worth living".

And all this fits on ME. I am a victim. And I'll tell you this. Its so freaking hard. You try to be nice all the time, but then, someone says something you will find inappropriate, and kaboom, you're there. AGAIN. And your will disappears. You just want to throw up and fall asleep. You're very often exasperating, and if you are not, you are on the verge of. You have an average of 3-5 hours of sleep each day. You suffer from bad conscience because there is this one thing you have not done, or because there are so many things you want to do, but don't do. While in action, you're painless, having all these aggressions, but afterwards, it hurts worse than hell. You can cry for hours for something so small, such as not being able to figure ut the answer of a math-assignment. Sometimes you want to be in the centre, sometimes you want to be forgotten. Your worst fear is to be a disappointment to someone/something. You MUST be pefect. Otherwise, kaboom, you're there again. Depression is the inability to construct a future.

Nothing is given to man on earth - struggle is built into the nature of life, and conflict is possible - the hero is the man who lets no obstacle prevent him from pursuing the values he has chosen.

And me, well. I am waiting for a sign that will indicate to me what meaning I must give to my life, but right now my existence is satisfactory.

Over And Out